> HOW TO POOP AT WORK
> > > >
> > > > We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been
> > > > working
> > >in
> > >
> > >our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as
> >we
> > >try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For
> >those
> > >who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a
> >dump
> > >at work:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > CROP DUSTING
> > > > When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell
is
> > > > not
> > >in
> > >
> > >your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came
> > >from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has
> >been
> > >expelled.
> > >
> > >Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
> > > >
> > > > FLY BY
> > > > The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check
> > > > for
> > >other
> > >poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again.
> >Be
> > >careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if
> >they
> > >catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
> > > >
> > > > ESCAPEE
> > > > A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a
> > > > poop
> > >in a
> > >stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment.
If
> >you
> > >release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen.
If
> >you
> > >are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear
> >it.
> > >No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a
> >joke
> > >or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
> > > >
> > > > JAILBREAK
> > > > When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace.
> > > > This is
> > >usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen,
> >do
> > >not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
to
> >spare
> > >everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
> > > >
> > > > COURTESY FLUSH
> > > > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water.
> > > > This
> > >reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom.
> >This
> > >can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
> > > >
> > > > WALK OF SHAME
> > > > Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just
> > > > stunk
> > >up
> > >the bathroom.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks
> >in
> > >and busts you.. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does
> >not
> > >exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
> > > >
> > > > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
> > > > A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often
> > > > see
> > >an
> > >Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine
> > >under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet
> > >Pooper before entering the bathroom.
> > > >
> > > > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
> > > > A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping
> > > > goes
> > >off
> > >without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of
> >Out
> > >of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
> > > >
> > > > SAFE HAVENS
> > > > A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least
> > >expect
> > >
> > >visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This
> >will
> > >reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
> > > >
> > > > TURD BURGLAR
> > > > Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to
> > > > force
> > >the
> > >door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that
> >can
> > >occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the
stall
> >until
> > >the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye
> > >contact.
> > > >
> > > > CAMO-COUGH
> > > > A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you
> > > > are
> > >in a
> > >stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential
> >Turd
> > >Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.>
> > > >
> > > > ASTAIRE
> > > > A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that
> > > > you
> > >are
> > >
> > >occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied.
> >If
> > >you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
can
> >poop
> > >in peace.
> > > >
> > > > WATERMELON
> > > > A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This
> > > > is
> > >also
> > >an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create
a
> > > > diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> > > >
> > > > HAVANAOMELET
> > > > A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
> > > > toilet
> > >water.
> > >Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
> >You
> > >can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet
paper.
> > > >
> > > > UNCLE TED
> > > > A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
> > > > extended
> > >lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle
> >Ted
> > >makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always
> >wait
> > >to poop
> > >
> > >when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
> >bathroom
> > >attendees.